Friday, January 12

damn computer.
paul's gone. why do my blogs always start with where paul is? because he's a part of me... but also because if i'm spending time alone in front of the computer, it means that paul is somewhere else, busy or sleeping etc. is that bad? that it's hardly ever that i come in here when he's around? nah, i guess not. honestly, i enjoy my time with him more than writing pointlessly to myself. perhaps it always won't be like that. and there are definitely times that i need to be alone, just because i need it. and i do take it. but the computer is not the place i'd go first.

i want to clean this room up so that it will make a better prayer closet.

ok, i'm determined to do two things while paul's in detroit. first, clean this apartment out so that he hardly recognizes it. that includes the closets, which i have never really understood or liked. unfortunately, my quads and butt are so sore from working out yesterday that i don't really feel like standing and bending and lifting to clean. blecchh. second, i need to spend hours alone and in prayer until i get a handle on my job and school situation, my life goals and my self image.

i think it bugs me that all i've ever done is take other people's ideas for my life. i never do something original that just came out of my own guts. that's why i feel like maybe the only way to get something to come out of my own self is to just write and write...
case in point - i was an english major because melissa suggested it. i went to stolaf because i knew dad approved. i did a spanish major because i was halfway there when i started, and i had two friends from my corridor in those classes. i thought of teaching because that's all i see from my parents and my friends, and that's what everyone expects from someone with degrees in english and spanish.

maybe this is all crap. maybe i just like to blame stuff on other people. i actually do make my own choices, and i actually do have real reasons for all those decisions, reasons that come from me and who i am. but i think it also is valid to say that often i need someone to point something out in me, or suggest a path, before i even notice it's there. i feel so blind.

God, you are the one whose path i want to follow. but how will i know? how do i know it's not my own stupid idea, or someone else's stupid suggestion?

how much do you take into consideration what other people say about you? about what you'd be good at? about what path is good? and also other people's examples?

will i know because i'll be excited about it from the bottom of my heart?

not everyone who you've ever led has felt that way about your will.

is that the only way to know?

what if i don't feel that way about anything?

so - i guess i'd better get going on that cleaning....

Thursday, January 11

paul's asleep still -- but his dad woke us up an hour ago to tell us that paul's brother's fiancee had broken off the engagement. well. i guess here's even more reason for me to feel like i don't understand them. or can't relate to them. breaking off an engagement because you met someone else?! no, i don't want to be self rightous or anything. but let's just say - it doesn't surprise me.

we put up new bookshelves in the office. they look great. we added, thus, about 12 feet of shelf space. it's already full. i seriously fear for our future, with paul's collecting, and with the saving gene built into me. can't we just chuck it all and move to zimbabwe?

Wednesday, January 10

So i'm home alone again. home with the cat. and feeling very lazy about it indeed. man, sometimes i think i really could be a stay at home wife. it would be an easy gig. other times, when i'm in my right mind, i realize what a waste that would be. but to know it's a waste, i'd have to know what else i'm made for, what else i'm capable of.

i'm sorry, perhaps it's just a symptom of being 22 that makes me want to wander the world, with nothing but a pack on my back and my own two feet? i can't think of anything else that makes so much sense.

i think i respond to paul differently too, since he's employed and on a career track and i'm not. i feel like i want him to question his life choices too, to reconsider if he should really be in seminary, to examine his gifts and his callings and his desires, and see if pastor is truly the best fit. personally, i think he'd make a better librarian.

it also bugs me that the journal i bought him is sitting on a shelf. he could at least give it a try. i swear, it works, it's good for you.

i'm trying to develop some motivation to start improving this fat butt of mine. i've got exercise shoes in the closet, weights downstairs, and greek books on the shelf. i'd be perfectly happy to throw myself into these things, if i didn't feel guilty about not spending time looking for a job. perhaps this is backwards, though. perhaps if i'm actually doing something with my days, it will be easier to be proactive about getting work. you know how they say, "if you want something done, ask the busiest person you know - they'll get it done"... if i start being efficient with my days in general, maybe i won't waste my time sitting here because i don't want to confront the working world.

maybe.

Tuesday, January 9

web journals - i like it because i can type faster than i can write. i have mixed emotions about the exhibitionist tendancies it admits to, and i simultaneously hope and fear that no one will ever read this.
what do you want to be when you grow up? did you always know? how did you figure it out? and how old is too old? and what do you do in the meantime? in college they always told us - or we told ourselves, anyway, that it didn't matter, you're just in college, you're young, you have lots of time. God will show you the way in time. well, i'm beginning to think that all that was all phooey - you DO need to figure it out now, and it doesn't MATTER if you're only 22, that's NOT all that young. and if you don't know, like me, you really do waste your time.
those last 4 months in the stinking office were a huge waste of time. i don't know what i want, so all i want is to sit in front of the tv and not have anyone bother me about getting on with my life. i hate this transition phase, but i'm not ready to be grown up and choose one path forever. i know you can always go back and start a new path, start over - but life goes awfully fast. and it's so short. i don't want to choose wrong.
i think if there were no one watching - i would not have so much fear of making the wrong choice.
well. pride is not a pretty thing.
hey you, if you would quit looking at me - maybe i could start to see myself.
or maybe it's just all in my head.
paul's gone to work, and i'm left home alone with yoda and the evil television. will i tell him about this site? i haven't decided yet.